Each Day

Sunday, 25 Nov 2001

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow".

Jim and I were just listening to that music on a video and it so spoke to my heart. Because He lives, I CAN face tomorrow. Otherwise, what would tomorrow hold for me? Just heartache and tears. Just missing and sorrow. That's not tomorrow, that's depression and misery. I don't want to live like that. Not with all the gifts that are left to enjoy until my time has come to join Phil. Yes, Sometimes I wish it was soon, and yet I know it could be 40 plus years! It's just the crazy thinkings of a mother....a mother who misses her child greatly. Who looks at his sweet picture and longs for the face I see. A mother who runs the events over and over in her mind until it becomes a heavy burden that needs to be unloaded. And I unload it! I tell it to God, I tell it to Jim and I write until my heart has nothing left to write. I cry, but I'm not a big crier, so it is only part of my grieving process. I imagine all people grieve differently. I tend to feel the tears more at night, as I grow tired and my defenses are depleted. When my "nourishment" for the day is running low. I think watching that video of worship music tonight will keep me fed until the day is done now. I'm sleeping okay, but when I wake up, no matter what time it is, I'm usually done sleeping. My mind starts to "think", and the reality comes back. Nothing a good cup of coffee, a cozy blanket, and the Psalms can't calm though. To read of God's great power and His love for us, could calm any spirit. Even in the most trying of times. Jim and I were just talking about this being the worst thing we will probably ever face, and it's not so bad. How can we say that? Because there are times when we feel okay and even times when we feel good. The times when our hearts ache the most don't last too long. Just long enough to teach us that we need God, and He is our only source of peace. The minute I think my peace is found anywhere else, I quickly learn it is not. The minute I puff myself up and think, "wow, I'm doing okay here", it soon passes. We need to grieve, and we need to miss, and we need to know all these emotions or we will never heal. We could bury them under busyness and a forced smile, but then I don't believe we would heal. I ask God to please help me to feel all that I need to feel to heal correctly. I don't want to get a few years down the road and find out that I've made little progress. One of my mottos is like the Nike ad, "Just do it"! I just want to do it, and I don't want to waste time in the process. Yes, it's a strange personality I have, but God knows what He's doing! :)

.......Thank you Faith! That's a friend who just called to encourage me. To say keep writing, keep revealing and not only will I heal but others will heal. God knew I needed that word of encouragement right at that moment. I was doubtful if this e-mail would be sent. I was doubtful if I should be so open about my inner turmoil and grieving process. I don't know how I'm supposed to grieve. I don't know what is correct, or what is even disrespectful. Will people think I didn't love my son if I smile? If I wasn't SURE of my love for him, I probably would not be able to smile. The pressure from what the world says...it is so contradictory from what God says, and God's way is the healthy way. I have to believe that, because it is the only thing that brought Phil comfort in his final hours, and it is the only thing that brings me comfort now.

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

God's word is anointed, I told Phil that. Even if he didn't understand what I was reading, just hearing it would help. It did, and even if now my mind wanders while I read, just reading soothes my soul.

This week we will be making final preparations for Phil's service on Saturday. I know we will have lots of helping hands, and they are much appreciated. Phil didn't know of any of these plans, except that Dave would be doing his service. We did discuss if that would be okay with him. The rest is just coming together as the days pass by. As everything before though if done prayerfully, there is no stress. Just the assurance that what happens will be in God's plan.

God's plan...so different from ours, but so perfect. To know that God is in control of my broken heart is the only way that it will heal correctly. It may take five years, or the rest of my life, but little by little I will grow stronger as He grows in me! When I empty my burdens on Him and allow Him to carry them, I breathe easier. That's all I need right now, to be able to breathe... The rest we will work on one day at a time.



1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.

You Love Me

How can I face another day Lord, without my precious boy
I can because You love me, and with You I can feel joy
How can I face another night Lord, without his face to kiss
I can because You love me, and You know how he is missed
How can I face another person, and tell them You are good
I can because You love me, and because of where I've stood
I've stood with You Lord, beside his open grave
Given up my child Lord, back to You on that day
And I felt uplifted, beyond even my grief
Because You love me, I was able to see
In death the only victory, is won by You
Because You conquered it, You pulled us through
Through the fiery grip, that kept us bound
And You set our feet, on solid ground
With your foundation, we need not shake
And tremble fearfully, for it only takes
Your word and your love, to rescue us
Help me Lord Jesus, to always trust
In all you've promised, from this day forth
I need you more now, than ever before
And what I'm needing, cannot be found
Here on this earth, there's nothing around
That can ever satisfy, this ache in me
Just You my Savior, and your promise of eternity