The Harvest

Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.
Psalm 126:5-6
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Lately, I have been mulling some things over. They seemed to run round and round in my head as I search for answers. I pray for clarity and cannot seem to find what I am looking for. I will write this morning, mulling these things over on "paper" as God directs, looking for His wisdom.

...Bad happens to both good and evil people. There seems to be no unequal distribution when disasters come, although some may say wicked people prosper, and the good die young. This is even written about in the Bible. This is not really my question though. My question is, why do some turn to God in times of sorrow and hurt and disasters of all sorts, and why do some turn away? Why do some gain compassion for others going through similar trials, and some end up with less concern for others? Why do some seem to start on a downward spiral and never recover, while some seem to gain a positive momentum from the "disaster" and continue on that path? But this is not even really the question that I have. The bottom-line question is this:
God already knows those who will use disasters for good, and those that will never recover from them on this earth, and yet He allows it in both types of lives.
I guess I want to know God's thinking on this, His purpose.
Perhaps it will be only fully known inside the gates of heaven.

When the Lord restored his exiles to Jerusalem,
it was like a dream! We were filled with laughter,
and we sang for joy. And the other nations said,
"What amazing things the Lord has done for them."
Yes, the Lord has done amazing things for us!
What joy!
Psalm 126:1-3
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Recovering from grief is like coming out of a bad dream. As you slowly "awaken" from many dark months and sometimes years, the world is a bit blurry at first. Your first steps out into the world again are slow and hesitant, and as the day-to-day happenings around you are brought into focus again, it all appears different. There are fears out there that were not there before. There are things that hurt that never hurt before, and yet there are good things happening too. The appreciation for what life is has been enriched. The relationships are more precious, the time is not so hurried, and your entire reason for getting out of bed in the morning has changed--it is no longer to go through your day "unthinking," because that is no longer possible. You think way too much about things you'd rather not and so thinking becomes a conscious effort. If your thoughts are allowed to just wander, they will wander into places that will bring you to your knees and cause the tears to fall. If your thoughts are controlled to the point of never thinking of your loss and always keeping busy to avoid it, it will do you great harm and slow your healing. But if you allow your mind to focus on what is now important, to focus on the world that God has created and appreciate each good moment He gives you throughout the day, your heart will slowly begin to heal and your "life experience" if you want to call it that, will be thoroughly enriched forevermore.

The question is, which mind track will you choose, and why do some choose one over another and why does God allow those that will never recover and may never even turn to Him at all suffer the same things as those who will grow closer to Him through the trials? Why would God allow one life to be "ruined" due to hardships and then another life to be enriched through the hardships? These are questions I have no answers to as yet...I will keep writing.

Restore our fortunes, Lord,
as streams renew the desert.
Psalm 126:4
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The desert is a hot and desperate place to be when the sun beats down on the sandy soil and the temperature can be 120 degrees or higher.  Most of us would not choose to be there in the noonday sun, no one can survive long without some water to drink and some shade to take shelter under.

The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your
protective shade.
Psalm 121:5
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As we go through life, most of us will not be out in the noonday sun in 120 degree heat, but most of us will go through trials in life that seem to heat up the fire to way beyond what we can withstand. There are not many who get out of this life without being tested. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, separation due to divorce, a career down the tubes, fortunes turned to dust, health sapping every ounce of strength we have, or a depression that keeps our mind in a state of joyless living each day. The list could be endless with what we must endure during different stages in our lives. So to ask the question as to why God allows bad things to happen to people who never recover from it, does not really make much sense I guess. Bad things happen to everyone, that is just part of living in this world. If God only allowed the bad to happen to those who would "recover" from it and live joyously again, that would seem totally unfair also, so maybe this answers my question.

Some say life is not fair, but is that really correct? It seems that life is totally fair because the bad happens to all. Does the unfairness come in because good does not happen to all? Then again, can we choose the good? Another question...

With free choice given to us, can we choose the good? We know we can't choose to not experience the bad, that is out of our control most times--unless it's just because of some wrong decisions we have made to bring on some bad circumstances. But lots of bad things happen in life that there's not much we can do to stop it. The only thing we can do during and after the fact is make the choice to take the good out of it. That is within our control. So are we the ones not choosing the good?

I had no choice in the matter when my son was diagnosed with Leukemia. I was not given the option to say, "This is not fair. I won't put up with this. It must be changed immediately!" That was not within my control.

I was asked yesterday by a friend, did I ever say "Why me? Why is this happening to my son?" As I thought about this question, my answer was "yes" and "no." No, because I did not ask "Why me?" as in "Why not someone else"? I asked the question more as a "Why me? Why would God allow this to be happening, there must be a good reason, and how can this be used in the best possible way?"

All these thoughts did not come instantly, there is too much shock and questions of what course of action is necessary to handle this situation in the beginning, but as the years unfolded it definitely became a waiting and watching game. How is God working through this, what would He have us do, how can we grow closer to Him and learn to trust Him more each day--is there someone else that will be helped because of the fiery trial we are now going through? Will we allow this to destroy us, especially if Phil does not survive, or will it only make us stronger with the strength that only God can give? It took time, it still takes time, for these answers to unfold.

Do all people who go through things that are extremely difficult process these thoughts in the same way? So many times when I write out my thoughts, I talk to others who read what I have written and discover that they are dealing with the very same issues. For some reason, God has called me to process it on "paper" perhaps, so then it might help another recognize those thoughts and put them into some sort of perspective. And as I write today, I am doing that for myself once again. Trying to put my thoughts into some sort of perspective so they will stop racing around in my brain and distracting me from other things that God has planned for my day.

There are many days of late that I wake up and my first thoughts are fearful. There are many changes going on in our lives right now, still a few things that must be taken care of before we are full-time RVer's. We have a few cords that still bind us to the Bay Area and cutting those last cords away are not easy. Leaving my job at the end of this month, saying good-bye to family and friends, etc...these are not easy things to do. It requires a focused mind on what God is calling us to because we are not stepping out into the known, but the unknown. We are not retiring to go out and enjoy the Golden Years. We aren't even close to retirement age yet. That is not what this is all about. It is about going where God leads us, doing whatever jobs He has for us to do, whatever they may be. As Pastor John preached this morning when Jesus called Peter and the other fishermen to leave everything behind and follow Him, they were heading out into uncharted water. And it wasn't the sea, but the land they would be traveling across to follow Him and become fishers of men. They didn't know where, they didn't know why, but they knew they were called and they followed.

We are being called out on a journey that has no final destination, no planned schedule, no set map. Oh, we may know where we will be next week, and next month, but beyond that, we have no sure and certain answers. We are seeking an adventure with God and heading towards His Promised Land. We know the final destination will be heaven, but there is a whole lot of road to cover between now and then and we don't have a clear view of what that road will look like. Not one of us really do--but when our jobs are secure, our home is secure and our children go off to the same school every day, we have a false sense of knowing what the future will look like. Jim and I don't have that sense because we know we don't know what the future looks like. That can be a fearful place to be in life, without having God in clear focus.

When I wake with these fears, I take them directly to my Father. I ask for His help, I tell Him what they are, and then I get on with my day in peace knowing that I am secure when I follow Him.

I life my eyes to you,
O God, enthroned in heaven.
Psalm 123:1
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I have to take my eyes off this world and what could cause harm, and lift my eyes to where I find peace and security. It really does work, and this is the choice I make. Through all the trials and the missing and the tears, I have had lots of practice at this. It has been the only way I have found to survive great loss. The only way I can keep my mind from wandering to places that are harmful to me, and through practice, practice, practice, it has allowed me to go on with my life.

God knew that I would do this. He knew that when Phil was diagnosed 7 years ago, and when He took Phil home almost two years ago, that I would turn to Him. I didn't know that, I questioned what I would really do, but God knew. He knew that I would abandon my heart to His, and that He would be allowed to heal the deepest hurts. He is still doing that every day I live, and I appreciate the strength He gives to me like never before in my life. I know that "My help comes from the Lord, who made the heavens and the earth!" Psalm 121:2 There is no question in my mind that I would not be where I am today emotionally if not for His saving grace. No question.

That does not mean that I don't get confused at times, and start to sink at times, and am fearful at times. It just means that after practicing what He has been teaching me, it is getting easier to apply it to each day. It is getting easier to recognize that if I start to sink, my focus is off. Just as when Peter walked on the water while His focus was on Jesus, and started to sink when he lost his focus, I do the same. At first, I did not know why I would sink so quickly, now I realize it much faster and refocus. I have been taught by the Master how to apply His Word to my life, and it really works!

Let my lips burst forth with praise,
for you have taught me your principles.
Let my tongue sing about your word,
for all your commands are right.
Stand ready to help me, for I have
chosen to follow your commandments.
Psalm 119:171-173
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I have chosen, it was a free-will decision made from the beginning, and each day since then. I knew that if God is God, then His promises would be true, and I could trust them. I went for it, and I have not been disappointed. He says we won't be and God is not one to lie.

I took my troubles to the Lord;
I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer.
Psalm 120:1
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The troubles came, I was not spared from that. The hurts and the pains were deep and they were not gone in a day or even a month or a year, and some still continue to this day and may always be a part of who I am, but that does not change the fact that my free-will decision is to follow Jesus Christ each day I live until I am face to face with Him in heaven. God has taken the very stubbornness He created in me and turned it into a stubbornness for Him.

We are all given the same free choice. We are all given the same free will to do with God as we please. He will always allow bad to happen to the good and to the evil of this world because this is a fallen world we live in--and God already knows which will turn to Him in the hard times, and which will turn away. He knows how long we will turn away and if we will ever turn back to Him. He knows if our emotions will eat us up inside, or if His joy will restore our strength. He knows this all ahead of time, just as He knows the trials we will all face.

He knows what we will do with the free choice He has given us, but He will not make us choose Him. He will not force Himself upon us, that is what free choice is all about. We are given the options of a full and joyous life despite our circumstances, or we are given the option of spiraling down into a pit of despair and staying there all the days of our lives. Our Father holds His hand out to us and asks us to take hold, but we can slap it away and say "No thanks, I'll be fine on my own."  We can blame Him for our misery and wallow in it, if we so choose. This may seem very harsh, but God loves us that much. He wants us to come to Him out of free choice, not out of a command on His part. He has given us His commandments, but He wants us to follow them because we love Him and want them more than anything. He wants us to come to a place in our lives where we want whatever He wants and our own desires melt so completely into His we can't tell the difference anymore. He knows that when that day comes, we will find true joy and contentment in the life He has gifted us with.

They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.
Psalm 126:6
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We wept as we placed Phil's earthly body into the ground two years ago November. But what is planted in that grave in Livermore, California is merely the seed that had to die so he could live eternally in heaven. His body was not meant to live for an eternity, but his spirit was and is. Since the day we said good-bye, we have cried many tears. The planting was not easy, good-byes never are, but we are starting now to "sing" as our lives "return with the harvest" from that planting. God has grown us and shown us what He is capable of when lives that are completely torn apart look to Him. He has given us the free-will choice of allowing for His help or not. We can abandon our hearts to Him and let His will become ours if we so choose. He waits for our reply in the disasters of our lives, and when we answer "yes," He opens the floodgates of heaven and pours His living waters onto the fires that attempt to consume us. That is the enemy at work, those fires, but God has all the resources of the universe to quench those flames. We just need to say "Yes, Lord Jesus, come. This raging fire is out of my control. I need You. I want You. Please Help me."

Have I answered my own question? I'm not really sure except that I know that God has all the answers as to why and who and when. Those that love Him and choose to follow Him will be satisfied because even when the questions come and perhaps go without answers, it doesn't change the bottom-line truth. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father without going through the Son. Jesus suffered, He died, and He returned to heaven so that when we suffer, when we die, we can go to heaven too. In knowing that, in being certain in that, all this will not need to make perfect sense. It is what it is, and we can leave it there in God's hand. It is secure there, and we can rest in that.

I can question God about these things, and enjoy spending time with Him in doing so. If I come away with an answer, that's awesome. If I don't, God is even more awesome and I will praise Him and thank Him for a great time spent with Him.

Lord, my heart is not proud;
my eyes are not haughty.
I don't concern myself with matters
too great or awesome for me.
But I have stilled and quieted myself,
just as a small child is quiet with its mother.
Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord---
now and always.
Psalm 131:1-3
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And that's what happens when we have questions. God doesn't mind when we bring them to Him. He will still us and quiet us when we spend time with Him and give us hope now and always.
I just love Him for that.

It's not so much the questions we have, but where we go for our answers. It's not so much the answers we get but knowing the Teacher who has them. God is never stumped by our questions, but we may never get an answer that satisfies us here on earth. Some day we will though. Until that day, I know that God's love endures forever. I will look to that love and let it melt away my fears of the unknown.

"Everything that is now hidden or secret
will eventually be brought to light."
Mark 4:22
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Have a great day!

Living in His peace and joy,
Diane