Leave It To God

Sunday, 18 May 2003

Dear Friends and Family,

Before reading this e-mail, please keep in mind two things Pastor Dave brought to my attention:
1. God does not need our forgiveness.
2. Satan can not receive our forgiveness.
Dave writes: "We obviously apply a different aspect of forgiveness to God and to Satan than we apply to other people...But in the sense that we are released from the burden and the chains of unforgiveness - we must not hold either God or Satan in bondage in our hearts. In Satan's case he drags us down with him, and in God's case we chain Him to our own limitations."

Thanks so much to all of you for continuing to travel this journey with me as each new step brings more healing to my heart. I appreciate the love and support you continue to give.
Diane
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He mentioned a fireplace...there at the foot of his bed. Why a fireplace?

He also mentioned putting things away. He asked me, "Am I putting things away? It feels like I'm putting everything away?"

Questions that required no answers.
Questions asked in Phil's final hours that seemed to make no sense.
One soon would...he was leaving this earth, and somewhere in his mind he felt the need to "tidy up" perhaps.
One would take some time to find a suitable answer to. What was he was seeing? Why a fire?

Pastor Dave just spoke on the cancer of un-forgiveness. I knew it would be a moving teaching on God's Word because Dave had asked our permission to use Phil's life, Phil's illness, and the cancer that consumed him in the message on forgiveness. Little did I know the impact and the tears and the healing that this message would have on me.

I knew it would be difficult to see Phil's picture up on the screen, but I didn't realize how difficult.
I knew it would be difficult to hear about how the cancer was consuming him on the inside even when it wasn't visible to the outside world, but I didn't realize how difficult.
I knew it would be difficult when the message concluded and Dave talked about how God's forgiveness has a 100 percent cure rate, and cancer does not, thus taking Phil's life in the end...the tears just flowed.

Dave taught us how the cancer of un-forgiveness can eat us up inside, just like a tumor. He taught us how important it is to forgive, to repent, to release and to restore relationships in our lives. He asked us during the communion celebration to search our hearts and see if there was anyone we needed to forgive...if so, to let the cup and the bread pass us by until that forgiveness was completed.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift
at the altar and there remember that your
brother has something against you, leave your
gift there in front of the altar. First go and be
reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.
Matthew 5:23-24
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I searched my heart. I asked God to help me know if there was un-forgiveness harboring itself in me like a cancer, and I wondered if I should let the cup and bread pass me on by this time...but it seemed that I should take it when it came, so I did.

Bowing my head in prayer I continued to talk with my Father in heaven and He gently let me know that I did have un-forgiveness in my heart but there was no need to go anywhere, to leave the church, to search out anyone. The forgiveness that needed to be offered could be done right there, right then, and it had a 100 percent cure rate...I needed to forgive God. My Father in Heaven.

I have wondered why anger has not been part of my grief journey. I have wondered if it would ever come, but the only anger I have felt is toward the Devil! I turned my anger on him when it came, turning my face toward God and all His promises of healing. I always understood that God allowed bad things to happen, but that He was not the cause of them. It was just part of living in a sinful world, the prince of this world being Satan.

So, instead of turning my back on God when I was broken and down and defeated, I ran to God for help, and took out any anger on the enemy Satan. It was HIS fault! He caused this!

But, had I truly faced the reality that God had allowed it? Was there un-forgiveness in my heart toward God for allowing this pain, this separation, this suffering, this loss, this missing...perhaps so. And perhaps it was time to forgive God. I sat there in my seat, head bowed, cup and bread in my hands and told God that I forgave Him for allowing this in my life. I forgave Him for taking my son from me on this earth. I forgave Him for the pain that it has caused in my life and for the suffering that Phil had to endure. I sat right there in my seat and reconciled myself fully back with my Father in Heaven before I took the cup, and ate the bread, and it was good. And it does have a 100 percent cure rate because it removed the tumor that I was not even aware of. The "tumor" that could have slowly consumed my earthly body each day of my life.

Right there in church, right there in my seat, a major operation was performed and the tumor of un-forgiveness was cut away from my heart to allow further healing to continue. Dave described the cup and the bread being taken as the chemotherapy given after surgery, taking it in to eradicate any remnant of the un-forgiveness that might be left. I let the cup and the bread fill me up and make me whole again. I don't want that tumor in me, because I don't want my relationship with God to be strained or broken in any way.

In reading "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren he says in my reading for today...(Which is God's perfect timing.)

Pg. 155
"When fellowship is strained or broken, plan a peace conference immediately. Don't procrastinate, make excuses, or promise 'I'll get around to it someday.' Schedule a face-to face meeting as soon as possible. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to fester.
Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. The Bible says sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered, besides making us miserable. Job's friends reminded him, 'To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do' and 'You are only hurting yourself with your anger.'"

If "unresolved conflict blocks our fellowship with God," and that conflict spoken about is with another person, think of what that unresolved conflict with God Himself will do?! How can we possibly have a completely loving, open relationship with God when we are harboring un-forgiveness toward Him?

Well, I wanted nothing to do with having my fellowship with God blocked, so I told God right there and then that I forgave Him! I don't understand all the reasons why this had to happen, I don't like it at all, and it hurts, but I forgive Him and I want our relationship completely restored! My desire is that our relationship will be even better than it has been up until now. If there is anything that stands between He and I, let's get it cut right out of the way and let's continue on with this journey even closer with one another than ever before!!

But, I wasn't finished yet...later that very same night as I was still absorbing all that, God asked me to take it a step further. A step further than I think I even realized existed...He, God, asked me to forgive the Devil!!
What?!!
Is that even Biblical?
I really don't know!
Was God really asking me to not be angry with the Devil too? To not let that tumor eat away at me also? To let it go, leave it at the foot of the throne and tell the Devil that I....forgive...you...? I'm not even sure that it is right God, but it seems that that is what You are asking of me. Let me look that up and make sure that this is for real?!!

"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court." Matt. 5:25 NIV

"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'Love your neighbor' and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!
Matt. 5:43-44
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Who are our enemies? We think they are people, for the most part. But what makes people our enemies? Isn't it the evil in this world? Where does the evil in this world come from? Isn't it Satan? So if Satan is our enemy, which we know he is, then is the Bible asking us to forgive even the Devil?

Am I supposed to forgive the devil for harming my child, for destroying his earthly life, for giving him cancer, for causing him pain and suffering and isolation, for taking him from me at only 16 years of age?
Am I supposed to forgive the devil for all the hurt and pain and missing and torturous thoughts that he has tried to plant in my mind each and every day of this grief journey and even before, when Phil was first diagnosed in May of 1996?
Is that really what you are asking of me God? Can't I keep this one tumor, can't I hang onto it and let it fester and boil and spew from time to time against the one who has caused all this harm in our lives? Can't I God, please?

Oh, that's right...it says in Job that I am only hurting myself with my anger...ugh...

Luke 23:34
Jesus said, "Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing."
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The devil is not a person, he is a fallen angel, but that still doesn't mean he knows what he is doing. Oh, he should. He's seen God, he turned his back on God, and God kicked him out of heaven and he landed on earth with all of us. The thing is, the devil is so deceitful, he even deceives himself. He doesn't know what he is doing, if he did, he wouldn't continue on. As Pastor Dave once said, he is such a liar, he believes his own lies. Should I forgive him because he doesn't know what he is doing...that's a tough question? He is soooo evil. I just don't think he should be forgiven...but you know what God is teaching me? That it is not my responsibility!! He will take care of the devil, and my puny little anger toward him does nothing but destroy me! It will eat me away, not the devil. It will keep me down, not the devil. It will destroy my life, not what the devil is doing. The devil will go on, and only God is able to bring judgment upon him...and He WILL in the end! My puny little anger is like spitting into the ocean to raise the water level!

"The LORD (God) said to my Lord (Jesus)
sit in honor at my right hand
until I humble your enemies,
making them a footstool under your feet."
Luke 20:42-43

For Christ must reign until he humbles all his
enemies beneath his feet. And the last enemy
to be destroyed is death.
1 Corinthians 15:25-26
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Do you think God has a plan for the devil? You bet He does! He will be destroyed in the end, even the enemy called death!! It WILL be done, and my anger won't hurry it along, it will only hurry along my own destruction.

So, God, I should really forgive the devil? Yes, I'm still wondering here...

Psalm 51:16-17
You would not be pleased with sacrifices,
or I would bring them.
If I brought you a burnt offering,
you would not accept it.
The Sacrifice you want is a broken spirit.
A broken and repentant heart,
O God,
you will not despise.
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Why does God want the sacrifice of a broken spirit, or a broken and repentant heart? I used to wonder, but I think I understand it better now. When we come to God broken and needing and searching and aching and empty, we have nothing to offer Him. We can't bring Him our riches, our wisdom, our fullness, our gifts, because they have long since departed. We can't bring Him our self-sufficiency, our stubbornness, our pride, our accomplishments because they have all failed us. We come knowing that He is our only answer, that without Him we are lost forever; and we come open to whatever He has for us because His love is the only hope we have and we long for it...and you know what? That's where we find out how much He truly loves us, just the way we are. This, this exact moment is the beginning of the greatest blessings in our lives!! It is where real life starts and all that other stuff no longer matters. It is right where He wants us because it is where He can use us the most for His Kingdom and bless us the most out of the goodness of His heart. It is where true joy starts and the prison that the devil would like to keep us in is unlocked and we are set free! It is where we start trusting God like never before and where we start to realize that all our past hurts, all our past mistakes, and all our un-forgiveness for others can be left and will be taken care of as only God knows how to do...even concerning the devil.

Psalm 23 is so well known, "The Lord is my shepherd..." but in verse five it says:

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.

Doesn't that sound like God has it all taken care of?
Doesn't it sound like we will be completely taken care of also?
Would that be possible without a Mighty God, or by holding onto our anger against even the devil?

Yes, the devil invaded Phil's body, caused cancer to grow and consume him from the inside. Being leukemia, it ruined the blood that flowed through his body until his heart stopped beating and he took his last breath. It was an awful, ugly disease that broke our hearts and caused great suffering upon our child, but it's time to leave that now and say, "I forgive you." I forgive you God because you know exactly what you're doing. I forgive you Satan because you don't know what you're doing, and I won't let your ignorance ruin the life that God has blessed me with. I will leave it with God, at the foot of the throne and let God deal with it! And deal with it He WILL!

As this was the first day for me of such forgiveness, I was trying it on for size..the devil would still try his antics. He would still try to plant memories of pain, he would still try to remind me of the suffering, of the trials, of the awful things that happened, and as each thought came into my mind I said, "I forgive you."
But what about that time...
"I forgive you."
Remember the pain that day...
"I forgive you."

May I say, so far it is very freeing! It's not my problem! I don't have to deal with it! God does, and God will. It sets me free from the burden of anger and it diminishes the power of torturous memories as I learn this new way in dealing with what is.

In Revelation 20 it says of Satan:

When the thousand years end, Satan will be let out of his prison. He will
go out to deceive the nations from every corner of the earth, which are
called Gog and Magog. He will gather them together for battle - a mighty
host, as numberless as sand along the shore. And I saw them as they went up
on the broad plain of the earth and surrounded God's people and the
beloved city. But fire from heaven came down on the attacking armies
and consumed them.
Then the Devil, who betrayed them, was thrown into the lake of fire
that burns with sulfur, joining the beast and the false prophet. There they
will be tormented day and night forever and ever.
Verses 7-10
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..."fire from heaven came down on the attacking armies and consumed them."

Just my wonderings but, was that the fire that Phil saw in his final hours? Could it have been the fire that came down from heaven, attacking the armies of cancer working so diligently on his body to destroy his earthly tent? Was God saying, enough! You will now move away from this child of mine because I am taking him home. You no longer will have any power over him, he's coming with me!
Was that the fire that Phil saw?
Was that the warmth he perhaps felt?
Was the devil, the cancer, being consumed by the fire that came down from heaven?

Questions that obviously have no answers here on earth, but shortly thereafter Phil's breathing became very rapid. His heartbeat also was very fast. I really can't remember if he sat up in his bed, but it seems to me he did as he said to me, "Mom, I think God is healing me. This cold is really feeling a lot better. I'm going to feel good tomorrow!"

Was the cancer gone? Was Phil healed? Had God consumed with fire the enemy that sought to destroy Phil's earthly body so that when he left this earth he felt better than he had for five and one-half years?
I know one thing, the next day...he did feel good!! The battle was over, the enemy had been defeated! Phil was more alive than he had ever been because he was Home!

So, "I forgive you, Satan." You have already lost this battle, this war, everything! My puny anger can't even compare to what God has in store for you..."tormented day and night forever and ever." What more can I add to that?

Don't let evil get the best of you,
But conquer evil by doing good.
Romans 12:21

If your enemies are hungry, give them food to eat.
If they are thirsty, give them water to drink.
You will heap burning coals on their heads, and
the Lord will reward you.
Proverbs 25:21-22
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The devil wants my anger and he wants my un-forgiveness to grow! He wants that tumor to eat me up inside! So instead, I will forgive him, add a few coals to the eternal lake of fire and leave it with my God! The rewards will be wonderful in heaven, and God's peace will reign on this earth in my heart!!

You are my King and my God.
You command victories for your people.
Only by your power can we push back our enemies;
only in your name can we trample our foes.
I do not trust my bow;
I do not count on my sword to save me.
It is you who gives us victory over our enemies;
it is you who humbles those who hate us.
O God, we give glory to you all day long
and constantly praise your name.
Psalm 44:4-8
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The devil hates us! He seeks to kill and destroy! I can't say that I love him. I can't say that I ever will or that I am required to because he is not a person, but I will forgive him. In doing so, I refuse to let him have any control over my life! I will be free of his ugly "tumor" and let God fill me with the best medicine available, love and forgiveness! It has the ability to heal all of us because it alone has a 100 percent cure rate!

Thanks for the great lesson Dave! You are an awesome Pastor and person!

Living in His peace and joy,
Diane