To Write Or Not To Write...

Tuesday, 11 Dec 2001

...not me, you! :) I guess I'm surprised, in a way, that some of you hesitate to write to me, or maybe even to speak to me. It's another part of the puzzle that I'm trying to put into place.

Just as when Phil was sick, I still saw the boy inside the body that was bald and ill. To me he was just Phil, my son, who needed to be loved and accepted. Maybe some of the nurses even, entered his room to care for his disease, not realizing who HE was. Just a child, needing to be cared for. Not looked at or pitied, but just loved.

Maybe that is me now. I'm just a person who hurts, who longs for her son, who needs love and care and encouragement. Sometimes I feel "handicapped". Like some don't want to look at me, it's too uncomfortable for them. And yet, I'm just me, needing to be accepted and cared for. Needing to not be different, but the same as you. We all hurt. We all have things we are dealing with be it the loss of a loved one, financial difficulties, relationships that are estranged, health problems. A hurting world, needing our God and each other.

I truly believe God's love comes to us in many forms. In the beauty of a sunset, the delicacy of a flower, the peace through trials, and the love of His people for one another. God's love flows through us to another and helps to heal what is hurting. It's like medicine on the wound, and my wound is deep right now. It needs lots of "medical" attention. It needs God's love poured through you into this wound, even when I am unable to respond.

It's like Phil lying in his bed, needing my care, not able to help himself, but just needing an unconditional love poured upon him as he prepared to leave this world, and depended upon us to help him while he waited for God to take him home. He was totally dependent on God and others. Not that it would change anything, it was still his time to go home, but just so that he would be able to do it peacefully while being cared for. We couldn't heal his "wound", just as you can't heal mine with words or hugs, or cards or anything, but we could help him along, just as you can help me along. And I don't just speak for me, I speak for my family who are hurting, and I speak for all those you know who are hurting in whatever form. We need one another and we need to be bolder in sharing with one another. Not so cautious because we're afraid to cause further harm, because I have to believe that is rarely the case.

There has not been one e-mail I have received, one card, one expression of sympathy that has caused me more pain. The pain is GREAT, it would take a major earthquake for me to feel any further damage to my already damaged heart. Even if a wrong word was spoken, it would rate about .00000001 on the Richter scale. There is a 99.999999 percent chance of not offending me, but by not saying anything, or not writing, or not acknowledging that tug on your heart to help me or anyone in pain, there is a 99.999999 percent chance of not allowing God's love to flow through you to help another.

I need to cling to God right now as never before and there are times when I barely have the strength to ask God for help. I can whisper a soft "help me", and He does, but when you come to me, I am able to stay still and quiet and let God's love pour over me like a cool drink of water. It quenches my thirst, refreshes my spirit and helps me keep moving forward through the pain I feel. God uses his people to care for His people. Just as my writing and my pain and grieving being expressed may help you with something you might be dealing with, your sharing also helps me.

When I write, I am simply allowing God to use me. When I share with you what is very private to me, it is an act of obedience. There are times when I would rather not. What will you think, will you think I'm a lunatic, a crazy women?

I share with you because I feel God calling me to do it. He has given me the gift of writing, and I will not bury it under a rock. This is how I honor God and worship Him and allow Him to use me. Help me to do that by doing the same.

I long to hear from you, especially if it helps me to know Phil's suffering is being used for God. I need to remember that EVERY DAY! It helps me get out of bed.

I know now why some people never recover from a loss like this. I'm a strong woman, I can bear pain, I can climb mountains and ride my bike 100 miles in a day with barely a complaint, but I can't do this alone. I can't! I need you to be bold and to help me, and I need God every second of every day, as I pray to heal from this wound that bleeds so easily right now. So never think that you might say the wrong thing, and therefore remain silent. If you have the strength right now that I am needing, that others you know are needing, help them and me. Be bold, pray for what God would have you do and then do it!

It's not like you will cause me to think of something that will be painful. I already think about it. I already think about Phil all day, every day. Mentioning his name will not bring him to mind and cause a tear. He is on my mind, all the time and I already shed those tears. I want to talk about him. I want to remember him and share all that he means to me. I want you to remember him and be glad that he lived, as I am.

I say this not just not for me, but for everyone you know. Help them through their trials by talking to them and praying for them, just as so many of you have already done for me and mine, and when the day comes when you need our help maybe we will have learned how to do that by the example you have set.

Romans 12:9-13
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Thanks for "listening"! :)

Love, Diane