A Good Day

Friday, 07 Dec 2001

I have such a thankful heart tonight, for the good day that I have had. A day that started out with a dream of Phil. A healthy Phil about ten years old. He and I were getting into an elevator with Jimm and Chris. They were younger too. Phil had an open Monopoly game in his hands, and as we walked into the elevator I woke up. I woke up feeling good! I had seen Phil! It had been over three weeks since I had spent time with him, and we got to be together for a few brief moments. I felt sooo good!

I had asked God yesterday to help me remember Phil, before he was sick. Help me to remember the boy who played and was healthy, and not just the boy who spent those 5½ years fighting the fight. And God gave me this dream. I will treasure it until the next one. I know there will be more.

Then I had a good day at work. I still grew tired as the day wore on, but it was easier than yesterday. The tears were not so near the surface and I came home to just relax, not to cry. After resting, we went out for pizza. Jim, Chris and I, and that was nice. Easier too, than it has been. I feel a bit of independence this evening, that I have not felt of late. Jim seems a bit perplexed by it. I told him he should be happy. This is the old me, even if it's just a glimmer of the me I used to be, it feels good to come out from under my cozy "blanket" and spread my wings. To me it means healing. I sat in the hot tub tonight and praised God, and thanked God for His goodness. And His joy filled me! I can feel good again. It's good to know that.

I know also that I will never be the same. I will be different. My friends and family may have to get acquainted with this new me. I don't think it will be bad, but just different. A bit more reserved maybe, more reflective. More willing to take in the surroundings and quietly absorb them, rather than bulldoze through things I might have before.

When I find myself "leaning forward", and trying to make headway on my own, I find God asking me to "lean back". Lean back into His arms and relax. Let Him do the work, and when I do, I feel better. I want to take things slowly. I want to heal as quickly as possible, but I'm finding that means I must move slowly. Take time to relax, to sleep, to eat, to pray, to read God's word, listen to good music and enjoy the good moments. If I move too fast, I get too tired, and then I hurt too bad. The ache becomes too much and I'm drawn to Phil's picture, wanting to grab his face out of it and hold him. That becomes unbearable. I don't want to feel that way. I want to be quiet and remember him and to heal from the pain of missing him, so that one day I can remember his whole life. All the good days, as well as the hard ones. He deserves that. He lived a full life, not just a sick one. I don't want my memory to be clouded with just the sick days.

We watched the video of his service today. Of course I saw things I had not seen before, and I enjoyed it. It was meaningful and touching and fun and joyful. Phil would have liked the Weird Al songs during the video of his life. I know he would have laughed! I'm glad it is over, but I'm glad for what it was. It will always be a good memory for me, in so many ways.

Good memories...life is full of them. I remember my grandma talking about her memories. She lived through so much, and yet was so joyful! I'm understanding her better now. It's good to know she is in heaven with Phil. They will get along great!

My son, what an impact he has had on my life, and continues to have. Dave said he was a sprinter, while we run a marathon...it seems like he was here and gone, so I guess he was a sprinter. Where did the years go? I hope I will be saying that in years down the road too, when the smiles come more easily than the tears. I'm sure I will. Today is three weeks and two days, and I feel joy and peace. I am so thankful!

For those that don't hear from me...for those e-mails that I haven't responded to, or those phone calls that I haven't returned...it is not because I don't care or am not interested, I'm just moving at a snails pace and even when my mind says I need to do something, my body says rest, so I do. I hope you understand. There will be time in the future, God willing, but for now I must rest and heal so I can be and do whatever God calls me to do with the rest of my life. It's exciting to think about what that may be, but it must be in His timing.


Both Our Sons

Oh Lord I have the time now, there's so much I could do
But I move just like a snail, leaning back on You
I want to move too quickly, sometimes I think I should
But you gently remind me, it's time to heal, for if I would
Run ahead too quickly, plunge in where I see need
I might be greatly damaged, it might cause my heart to bleed
More than what's required, as I mourn for my dear son
It's hurts enough right now, there's no reason to try and run
Faster than is necessary, take it slow and easy child
Your Father is in control, He'll lead you all the while
When these days now are finished, and bones that have been crushed
Rejoice again, and praise Him, they'll be time then, please do trust
That future days are waiting, for all that you must do
For now relax and wait a bit, be still and be renewed
Let all the world around you, go on, it can't be stopped
But you can take your time, then in time you'll see you're not
Behind what I am asking, but right on task, you'll see
The more that you will trust Me, the more you'll be set free
To live the life you're called to, abiding in My love
Full of all the joy and peace, pouring down from up above
Hurting hearts can heal, that is a proven fact
But only in their own time, with God's help and His map
He'll guide me to the finish, where the victory is won
Ending up in heaven, yes there, with both our sons!

Psalms 51: Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.